Antiques Roadshow ~ Wizard Style
by Elizabeth Notrab
Summary: The next part in the continueing pathetic series...


Harry, Ron and Hermione were on summer vacation in Richmond, Virginia. (It was quite an amusing story of how Harry escaped the Dursleys, but I don't feel like telling you guys. Sorry) Instead of cruising the historical sites and landmarks, they all decided that it would be cooler to take their crap to the Antiques Roadshow for appraisal. Hermione had an old doll that looked like it could have been handmade. Ron had a vase that was green and pink, and Harry had a huge chest of drawers. (It was also quite amusing how Harry got this chest of drawers on the plane without breaking that pesky Underage Magic rule, but again, I'm not going to tell you. Neiner, neiner, neiner and nanny, nanny, nanny!) 

"Boy, I can't wait to see how much my drawers are worth!" Harry said. Hermione and Ron snickered a little. Harry looked at them funny. "Why are you guys laughing? I want to see if my drawers are worth anything. I mean they're old and beautiful. They're a little worn, but..." Hermione and Ron couldn't hold it in any longer. They burst out laughing. "What's the matter with you guys?" Harry asked. 

"Your drawers Harry?" Ron gasped between peals of laughter. "Think about it." Harry looked very quizzical for a while and then realization dawned. He looked down at his pants and blushed. 

"I've had this doll in the family for such a long time. I mean, it belonged to my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother," Hermione said. 

"I wish I had something nice like Harry's drawers ::snickers:: or Hermione's doll. All I got was this stupid vase. It was the only thing my mom could find for me to bring," Ron said. 

The line took forever, but Harry finally got up to the front. "What do we have here?" asked the appraiser. 

"It's a chest of drawers," said Harry. 

"Well is there any story that goes along with the drawers?" asked the appraiser. Harry thought back to what Ron and Hermione had been laughing at and snickered a little. 

"Nope, my aunt just bought them because they looked pretty. I think it was at some antique store somewhere," Harry said. 

"Interesting," said the appraiser. "How much di she pay for them?" 

"Four thousand pounds." 

"Oh. Um...how much is that in dollars?" asked the appraiser. Harry turned to Hermione who told them it was somewhere around sixty four hundred dollars. 

"Yes, this looks like it would date back to the early seventeenth century, but it's really just a fake, and I'll tell you why," said the appraiser. "If you look at the wear on the drawers, it's all going in one direction, like someone took a file and filed it down. Also, on the bottom, there's a sticker that says 'Ha, ha, fooled you. This piece of crap isn't real.' I'm sorry, but now viewers at home will know what to look for." 

"Oh, well, I don't really mind because it's my aunt's and I don't really like her all that much. How much is it worth?" Hartry asked. 

"Well, it's kinda pretty, but it's only worth one thousand to two thousand dollars." 

"Wow, Harry," said Ron. "Your aunt got screwed." Harry left the appraiser with a smile on his lips. They then went to stand in line for the doll. Hermione got to the front and told the long drawn out story of her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother's doll. It was very boring and Harry and Ron were sure that the appraiser was really just sleeping with his eyes open. 

"Wow, that was interesting," the appraiser said when she was done. "This doll is in really good condition for something this old, but it was made by some podunk artist that no one's ever heard of so it wouldn't go for as much if it was made by someone famous. This would probably go at auction for around one hundred to three hundred dollars." Hermione nodded politely and left. Harry and Ron could tell that she was kinda disappointed. 

Next it was time for Ron to stand in line for his vase. "This vase sucks. Your guy's cool stuff got downed, so how can I think this piece of junk is worth anything?" Harry and Hermione told him to at least go up there. 

"I once saw an episode of this show where the woman brought in this butt ugly pot that was huge and had lizards on it and the nose was even busted off," hermione said. 

"Yeah, I saw that one." Harry added. "Man, that thing was so ugly...Anway, it was like worth three hundred thousand dollars!" This piece of news was somewhat consoling to Ron. 

They got to the front and found that the person that would be appraising the vase was none other than Voldemort. 

"What are you doing in Richmond," Harry demanded. 

"What does it look like I'm doing Potter? I'm appraising people's crap. Woah, Weasley that vase sucks. It's all pink and girly looking. And someone scratched a big 'T' on the bottom (Oh! Oh! Oh! I know what t stands for...and it's not just because I'm writing the story.) That things worth nothing. I'll give you ten bucks for it." 

Ron looked a bit wary for a moment, but if Voldemort was working for Antiques Roadshow, then he must know something about appraising stuff so he took the deal. It was more than he expected for the vase anyway. 

"HA HA!" Voldemort mocked once the transaction had taken place. "You idiot! That 'T' stands for Tiffany! This is a Tiffany vase. That's like instant bucks on this show. The things worth like sixty thousand dollars! And you sold it for ten!" Voldemort proceeded to roll on the floor lauging. The three kids walked away dejectedly. Voldemort had beaten them. 

Later on that day, at dinner time, the kids were at a restaurant and Voldemort walked in carrying the vase along with abunch of other things that he had bought from unsuspecting people. 

"Look!" said Hermione. "There he is! I have an idea." (they all huddled into a big group and started mumbling incoherently. Don't you hate it when people on TV do that?) Harry and Ron both made noises of approval and Harry took out a can of Mountain Dew. 

"Oh, Voldemort!" The Dark Lord looked up. "I have this can of Mountain Dew for you! Do you want to join our group? We're going to do that commercial for Mountain Dew where they parady Bohemian Rhapsody...we need a fourth." Voldemort of course readily agreed to this because the commercials really cool. 

The four of them started rocking out and singing and by the end the whole restaurant had their lighters out and lit. This set off the smoke alarms in the restaurant and the water spritzers turned on. The kids snuck over to Voldemort's table to get the vase out of his bag and left him there singing, "Nothing really matters...you know that it's true....nothing really matters...but DEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!" 

AN: Wow! There has been like ultimate response to these. That's cool. I hope people actually watch Antiques Roadshow. If you don't it's pretty much this, but without Harry, Ron and Hermione. And the ugly jug story was true. My family and I like to watch the people that think they have something and it turns out they don't. Just our opinions. We're a pretty morbid bunch, we. Watching for the red shirts to die....watching people get screwed on Antiques Roadshow...oh well. At least it gives great fodder for stories. ~ Elizabeth. 


End file.
